Ode to Frida

Mein liebstes Engelchen,

Just a couple of minutes ago I found out I was pregnant with you 

(the happiest and most terrifying couple of days of my life). 

And only a few seconds ago we welcomed you into our lives. 

My little alien, staring at us from the moment you were born. 

So awake and alert. And smart. 

You already knew everything; you were born to be my teacher. 

When I met you I quickly learned 

that I knew nothing. 

Zero. 

About life, about love, about magic. 

About being a mother. 

How wonderful it is. And hard. 

About being oh so very vulnerable.

I was invincible before I had you, you know..

It is true what they say: 

That you carry your heart outside of your body 

when your child is born. 

About fear. I have never felt fear the way I feel it now. 

Fear of losing you, 

fear of anyone hurting you, 

fear of disappointing you. 

The slightest sadness in you will break my heart in a million pieces. 

Over and over again. 

I knew nothing about being an important part of a functional family. 

I knew what not to do and went from there. 

With you by my side. 

Guiding me.

Watching you and your magical personality unfold in front of me makes me so proud. 

And even after days of utter annoyance and insanity 

I still stare at you when you are finally asleep and I tear up. 

What a privilege it is to be your mother! 

What an honor it is to have you tell me that you love me, 

that you choose me over anyone else when you need to snuggle. 

My goals in life have changed. 

I want you to be proud of me. 

I want you to always know that I am here for you. 

I want to be a great mother. 

I want to thank you for being the most perfect first child any mother could ask for. Please stay as magical and amazing as you were from the moment you were born. And don't ever be afraid to come home with bad grades, purple hair or a rockstar wannabe boyfriend. 

Mama will understand. <3 

The Perfect Day

I have to tell you all about yesterday. It was the perfect day!

I am the first to admit that I have difficulty relaxing and really being truly happy when I have huge, new things ahead of me. In this case: Summer ending, Bill going back to school, Frida starting pre k. I usually wake up early with anxiety because my head just won't turn itself off. But yesterday was different!

Right after waking up I realized that yesterday was the day we got approved for our wonderful apartment 7 years ago! I remember that day like it was yesterday. So nervous. Scared. It is hard finding a place to live in NYC with no credit and no money. But we got the call around noon while wandering around 125th Street. That feeling. I felt it. Again. So that was the special "Today is our lucky day" feeling that I carried with me all day. No wonder!

So yes, we went to OUR place for probably the last time this summer: Coney Island.

Bill took these pics on the train and I adore them:

                                   
                                   
                                   

We don't go to CI for the rides. We go for the beach. But this time I decided I needed to go in the Wonder Wheel. Bill and Willa passed so it was just Frida and Mami. We chose one of those moving cabins (because I am clearly insane) and up we went. I had my phone in hand to take pictures when the stupid thing swing forward like WHOA! I almost dropped my phone and had a near death experience, I was TERRIFIED!!!!!! I grabbed Frida fearing for our lives and shrieked with fake delight so she didn't get scared. OMG. After the first shock wore off it actually became fun. Scary, but fun. Hilarious!! Frida loved it of course.
                                   
                                 
                                 

Then we set up camp at the beach, met some fellow Germans, dug a HUGE hole, jumped over waves, found seashells and almost caught a crab. Regular beach stuff. The water was PERFECTION!!!! Probably the best I have ever seen it. It was the day between the old moon and the new moon, that might have been why. It was't too hot out and windy, it was just absolute perfection.

                                    
                         
                                                

It's tradition that we get a bracelet from one of the ladies selling them at the beach. Bill picked one for me last week when we were there that I keep making fun of because it is so hideous (the green one with turtles (cute) and a teddy bear (ugly) ), so he got me a new one (blue with red, so pretty). I will proudly wear both of them now until they fall off (that's how it's done. We save the ones that fall off.).

                                            

A ride on our favorite carousel of course:

I should also mention that the day was perfect because we have amazing children. The best kids in the world. They did not nap and were so cute and fun at the beach. No tantrums. No tears (well, Willa is still Willa, so some tantrumy tears, but very minor. I mean, the child who loves her naps more than anything did not get to nap, so it was all understandable.). I am so proud of my kids <3. We even took them out to eat dinner at Wahlburgers (my first love's restaurant) and they were troopers. The food was delicious (amazing veggie burger, heavenly mac'n cheese and I think Bill liked his food, too :) ). And to top it off: Pictures of Donnie Wahlberg EVERYWHERE. Yummmmmy (There's a 13 year old trapped somewhere inside of me).

OMG, I actually had this poster over my bed. 

Willa fell asleep 2 seconds after we put her in the stroller while Frida happily munched on snacks. The trains were crowded. The people were sweet about our huge stroller blocking parts of the train. In rush hour. Thank you New Yorkers for not yelling at us. Instead we got chatted up by beautiful souls left and right. It's times like this when I really, truly love this city.

After the kids went to bed we utilized the powers of the New Moon to change our lives. Like this:

On the day of the New Moon (any time that works for you) make a list of all things new that you want to bring into your life. There is no right or wrong way to do this. My New Moon list has covered everything from new glasses to a new home to a new point of view. 

And that was our perfect day. I wished for many more like this. Thanks Universe <3

Big Trip

We are getting ready to go on our big trip: 5 weeks in Germany with our lovely family! We are pretty much packed, have 3 hours to spare until we have to leave and I am trying to calm myself down.

A trip like this is nerve racking. (You know, I think it should be spelled nerve wrecking, just by the way.) All the things you have to think of! People are staying in your apartment because they were supposed to sit your ancient cat... So it has to be clean and organized when you leave, on top of all the other mayhem going on. Lists have to be written, things prepared and explained...

Hoping there won't be any traffic on the way to the airport, hoping for short lines at check in, hoping for a smooth trip... Nerve wrecking!! I am a nervous person as it is, but the preparations for these long trips are too much for me. But: The trip will only be a short fraction of the amazing time we will be spending with everyone in Schoeningen. We are so looking forward to our family, the backyard and unlimited outside time, the tiny pool and tsunamis, beer, wine and Grillen, laughter, love, serenity. SO EXCITED!!! Excited to show off my children to everyone. Excited to relax. Get spoiled.  Great company.

Here are my favorite pictures from last year's fun:






So I will stop stressing now (I think I stopped the second I sat down with my coffee to take time to write this) and will just be excited. And happy. And calm.

Deutschland, bis gleich!! Wir freuen uns so auf Dich! Und auf euch, Noonie, Opa, Omi, Brudi, Nadine, Glen, Wookie, Leo und den Rest der Familie <3

8 years ago today we had the most magical wedding.

It was perfect! It was so "us". So Billantje. A wonderful day filled with family, friends, beer, delicious food, music, dancing, silliness (lots of that), laughter and good times. It was probably the silliest, most unusual wedding ever, especially by american standards. It did not cost a million dollars. I did not wear a white dress. It did not happen in a church. We did not invite thousands of people we hardly knew. We actually didn't "invite" anyone. We let people know when our wedding was going to be and people showed up. People who wanted to be there. Some lived close by, some far away. Some even flew in from other countries! Magical! 

The morning of the wedding my mom and I went to the weekly market to pick out my wedding bouquet. I picked out a bunch of wild flowers my grandfather would have loved to have him with me on my special day.

I got ready with my mom and my grandma in our apartment in Muenster while Bill got ready downstairs with some of our friends. The boys left before us and when we were ready to go meet them at city hall my mom surprised me with a bunch of red heart balloons to carry with me. LOVE was in the air :) It drizzled a bit but rain on your wedding day is considered good luck so no one cared. It was so exciting approaching the Standesamt and Bill waiting there for me all handsome in his grey tuxedo. I had not seen his outfit, nor had he seen mine, but my dress was grey and we matched! #magical My stepfather gave me away and we were ready to go get married!

The 3 musketeers together again <3 

Wild and free. Right before. 

                                         

The woman who married us read Khalil Gibran's "On Marriage" from the Prophet, a book I adore. We had no idea she would read this! #magical 

      You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. 
      You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.  
      Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.  
      But let there be spaces in your togetherness,  
      And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.  
      Love one another but make not a bond of love:  
      Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.  
      Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.  
      Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.  
      Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,  
      Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 
      Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. 
      For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.  
      And stand together, yet not too near together:  
      For the pillars of the temple stand apart,  
      And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Then we were married, exchanged the rings we had bought at the Stadtfest a month before, celebrated with champagne and let go our balloons outside. 

Mr and Mrs Salisbury!

With my lovely family

                                         

We gathered our family and closest friends and took them to our favorite restaurant where our friend and master chef Micu had prepared the most amazing turkish buffet for us. We laughed and feasted for several hours and then moved the party to our apartment. We changed into normal clothes, danced, ordered pizza, drank wine. Welcomed more friends. Had a blast. 

I had people tell me that this was the "funnest" wedding they had ever attended. That made me so happy because that's exactly what we wanted. A magical day. I am still grateful for everyone who came and made it so special. 

Luzys. Big Hot Love. 

Germans.

I have no idea what happened here. 

                                                                                   

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband! Our life together gets better every year and I'm looking forward to the next 88.

Thanks for reading :) 

Much Love,

me

Words to live by

                        

Facebook just reminded me that I posted this last year. I love this so much and try to follow it religiously. Emphasis on TRY. 

Dalai Lama’s 18 rules for living 

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: 
  1. Respect for self
  2. Respect for others
  3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Much Love,

me

Wish Them Well

Spirits turned bitter by the poison of envy
Always angry and dissatisfied
Even the lost ones, the frightened and mean ones
Even the ones with a devil inside

Thank your stars you’re not that way
Turn your back and walk away
Don’t even pause and ask them why
Turn around and say goodbye

People who judge without a measure of mercy
All the victims who will never learn
Even the lost ones, you can only give up on
Even the ones who make you burn

The ones who’ve done you wrong
The ones who pretended to be so strong
The grudges you’ve held for so long
It’s not worth singing that same sad song

Even though you’re going through hell
Just keep on going
Let the demons dwell

Just wish them well

- Rush. 

Kindness

                        



I think about being kind A LOT. Just today an author I like wrote a piece about the depressing state of the world and a stranger's random act of kindness that restored her faith in humanity. Being kind is so easy. It is important. It is free. A smile, a nice word, a gesture, a helping hand. Free!

Brandon from Humans of NY used to ask people: "If you could say one thing to a large group of people what would you say?" I would tell them to always be a little kinder than necessary (quote by Sir James Matthew Barrie). And this:

                                                      

Kindness can make someone's day just a little brighter when they really need it. So just be kind. I have been there. I've had bad days, dark, sad days. And I have met angels, strangers who brightened up my day by saying something nice and memorable. I have also had friends who did extremely nice things for me when I was in need and I will never forget that. This is what you remember. The kindnesses. They make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. I want to be remembered as someone who made people feel like that, too. So I try my hardest to be kind. To teach my kids how to treat our fellow humans.

So


                                                  
And
                                                      
Because

                                              .

Please and Thank you.
The End.

Grieving my beloved pet

Our beloved Leon passed away on Saturday...

As mentioned in a previous post, he was very old and we felt that his time had come. He did not enjoy what was left of his life anymore. Slowly lost his his bodily functions and with that his dignity. He used to be that cat with "Waschzwang", cleaning himself until his belly was pink and raw. He was the cleanest, best smelling cat ever. Now he didn't clean most parts of his body anymore and smelled. It was so heart breaking to watch. I often cleaned him, but he wasn't a huge fan of that. He was disoriented, often lost his balance and fell over with the cat toilet one night. We couldn't sit by and watch our proud cat become less and less. So we made the appointment to put him down. It was horrible, the worst thing I ever went through, but necessary.

Leon's last pictures.

Willa saying good bye to her beloved pet. 

We did this as a family unit, it was important to us that the kids came to say good bye. We had talked about it so they were prepared that we would not be able to take Leon back home with us. They knew that Leon would go to "cat heaven" from the vet's office and that he would be young and happy again there. They kissed him good bye and then it was just Leon and me. It ended just the way that our journey began. Leon and Antje... I pet and kissed him when he received his shots and he went very calmly and peacefully. And just like that he was gone. Free. And I felt such pain, but also peace because I knew that he was in a better place now.

It was a tough day to get through and a tearful night. Thank God for Tequila. Then this sensational sunset happened:

                           



It must be hard to grasp how much love you can have for a creature if you are not a pet owner. I spent 15 years of my life with this cat. He was my best friend, was always there to snuggle. I miss him!! I miss my young, proud Leon so much! I see him everywhere, always expect him to lie somewhere, still hear him.

Frida drew Leon and told me to write this when I first 
told her that Leon might pass on soon. <3

                                     

Love forever, little Leon!

To my mom

You had me when you were a child. 18! Wow. I couldn't have even kept a plant alive at 18. What a crazy thing to do at that age. Birth and raise a child...

                                   
                                       


I know you didn't plan to be a mom or to get married this young. But you did. And you tried to make it all work. In your first apartment that didn't even have a bathroom. I know you tried so hard. I know it wasn't easy. But you never gave up! Because I know that you loved being a mom. I know you loved me so much. Even when your marriage got more difficult and over shadowed everything else.

                                           
                                    
                                         


I know you always loved me. And I loved you. You were always the most beautiful human being I had ever met. I was always amazed at your strength, grace and endurance.

We went through a lot together. Times were tough. We weren't always friends back then. That's why I am so grateful for leaving home to find my best friend in you! My soul sister! Time made us stronger and now you are the mom you always wanted to be. The BEST mom. A kind, silly, generous, happy mom. And an even better grandma. We are so lucky to have you!! We love you with all our hearts.

                                              
                                              

                                                   Happy Mother's Day to the best of them!!!!

                                                                   In Liebe, Dein Kind

Rabenmutter

You know what sucks? Mami guilt! Feeling like a Rabenmutter. Yes, Germans call bad mothers "raven mother". Here's a link to explain why:
http://www.dw.com/en/rabenmutter/a-6616009

Mami guilt doesn't have to explained, if you're a mother you know the feeling. No matter if you are a working mom with a career outside of the house, a stay home mom, live in a mansion or in a tiny apartment. I guarantee if you care at all about your kids you have felt it. If you are not a mom: Mom guilt is the feeling that no matter what you do, you can never be the mother your children deserve. You feel like you are not doing enough. Ever. Even if everyone else tells you that you are the best mother in the world, you will still find something to beat yourself up about. Here come some crazy reasons why I have felt major guilt before:

- not delaying umbilical cord clipping right after birth
- not eating enough protein in my pregnancies (yes, I still feel guilty about these 2 things now...)
- the sleep training we did with Frida and not having a family bed
- not playing with your kids nonstop
- having kids watch tv
- not buying exclusively organic food
- the kids not having enough friends because they are not in preschool
- not going on amazing trips every day, especially on weekends
- not living close to our families
- not having a house with backyard
- living in a crazy place like NYC
- being tired
- Willa screaming so much as a baby (must be my fault, right?)
- not "teaching" Frida preschool stuff every day
- being too strict
- not being strict enough
- not having a dog
- not having tons of money for all those music, art, movement classes
- kids getting hurt on my watch
- our seasonal tree still having snow on it. Rabenmutter can't even keep up with the seasons.


The list is endless. There are gazillions of these dumb reasons.


You know what also sucks? Not being supported when you whine about these unreasonable guilt trips to other mama friends. Supporting each other is SO important! Being a parent is hard. Emotionally. You need all the mental support you can get! I can't speak for everyone, but if I ever tell you about all these worries what I really need to hear back is that
a) I am insane.
b) I am not insane. (Yeah...)
c) You feel mami guilt, too.

Support. Solidarity. Our friendship should be a judgement free, safe zone.

Would love to hear feedback. What do you guilt trip yourself about? Do daddies know this feeling? COMMENT AWAY, please :)

Just some random thoughts on writing

I used to love to write.

I wrote journals since I can remember. I just found some on our last Germany visit. Hilarious little childhood memories. Embarrassing. I saved some, threw some out. Brought the best one from 5th grade back to NY with me. So cute. Also embarrassing, but god, I was 12.
I have one journal from my late teenage years that I bring wherever I move, it means a lot to me. It just perfectly and rawly (is that even a word?) reflects the person I used to be, didn't want to be and left behind and evolved from. I love reading it once in a while. Just to appreciate how far I have come. Now that I think of it: I should do a blog post about the letter to my teenage self I wish I could have sent myself. What would you tell your teenage self? I know exactly what I would write.

I also wrote poetry back then. Depressing, raw, open and real poetry. In ENGLISH! It was always easier to express myself in this beautiful language. I have two books full of poetry. It isn't always easy to read as I wasn't the happiest teenager. But still a nice thing to have.

So yes, I used to love to write. For myself. I even thought about journalism school! But I didn't go with that, instead chose to go to school to become a teacher. University happened. And I was forced to write. About things I should have cared about because I chose to study it, but didn't. I wasn't interested. I hated most of my classes and writing became a drag. I wasn't good at it either (d'uh). How annoying!! School really kind of destroyed something there. I didn't even journal anymore!

So when I had the idea to start a blog like this, about random thoughts on stuff, I got excited and now I feel like I want to keep going. This is fun! I really love that the blog had a lot of hits in its first couple of days! That means some of you are actually reading it! And even if no one reads it it's okay, I need this. I haven't had hobbies in a while. I have 2 small children :). Who has time for that? But this I can make time for. Go me!

Oh, and also: I appreciate comments, guys!! <3
Enjoy your day.

A post about my ancient cat Leon

I got our cat Leon from the shelter in 2001 when I lived in Muenster. He was 3 years old then, already back at the shelter 3 times after people decided they couldn't keep him. Assholes. But lucky me! I had decided I needed a cat in my life again because I was feeling depressed. And I knew that cats could help. So My mom visited and we went to the shelter. We were brought into a room to look at some cats when beautiful, gigantic, green eyed Leon slowly walked towards me. What a cat!

It was love at first sight. For both of us, I think. 

Leon was 11 years old when we moved him to NYC with us. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. He was stored in a crate with the luggage etc and I cried for about 10 hours straight until we arrived in NYC and got him back in one piece. He did great, that poor thing. 

He was just as excited as we impatiently awaited the births of our babies. 

                                                      

And he became a great first pet for both of them.

Now our ancient little Leon is 18 years old and it has gone a bit downhill for him. I was prepared to say good bye many, many times in the past 2 years, convinced 2015 was his last year with us. He has lost a lot of weight even though he eats constantly. He poops and pees all over the apartment, has stopped cleaning parts of his body and seemingly lost his hearing. I would not keep him alive if he was suffering so I was watching him closely. And I thought this week that it was time. I got all the information about euthanization and cremation options I needed, figured out a babysitter for the kids, cried a lot, talked it over with Bill and came to the conclusion that Leon would have to be put down very soon. It just seemed like he didn't enjoy life anymore, that he just existed. 

We gave Leon some extra attention over the next couple of days, "forced" him to snuggle with us and made him sit with us etc (he would just hide most of the time) and I KID YOU NOT: Leon started cleaning himself, appeared to hear me when I was calling him and voluntarily came to hang out and get pet! WHAAAT?! So we will see what happens with our ancient baby, but it seems that he might stick around for a bit longer. Bless his tiny heart.

There you go. A post about my cat. 

UPDATE: 

Rest in Peace, my dearest friend. Leon passed away this morning. We will forever miss him with all our hearts.