Grieving my beloved pet

Our beloved Leon passed away on Saturday...

As mentioned in a previous post, he was very old and we felt that his time had come. He did not enjoy what was left of his life anymore. Slowly lost his his bodily functions and with that his dignity. He used to be that cat with "Waschzwang", cleaning himself until his belly was pink and raw. He was the cleanest, best smelling cat ever. Now he didn't clean most parts of his body anymore and smelled. It was so heart breaking to watch. I often cleaned him, but he wasn't a huge fan of that. He was disoriented, often lost his balance and fell over with the cat toilet one night. We couldn't sit by and watch our proud cat become less and less. So we made the appointment to put him down. It was horrible, the worst thing I ever went through, but necessary.

Leon's last pictures.

Willa saying good bye to her beloved pet. 

We did this as a family unit, it was important to us that the kids came to say good bye. We had talked about it so they were prepared that we would not be able to take Leon back home with us. They knew that Leon would go to "cat heaven" from the vet's office and that he would be young and happy again there. They kissed him good bye and then it was just Leon and me. It ended just the way that our journey began. Leon and Antje... I pet and kissed him when he received his shots and he went very calmly and peacefully. And just like that he was gone. Free. And I felt such pain, but also peace because I knew that he was in a better place now.

It was a tough day to get through and a tearful night. Thank God for Tequila. Then this sensational sunset happened:

                           



It must be hard to grasp how much love you can have for a creature if you are not a pet owner. I spent 15 years of my life with this cat. He was my best friend, was always there to snuggle. I miss him!! I miss my young, proud Leon so much! I see him everywhere, always expect him to lie somewhere, still hear him.

Frida drew Leon and told me to write this when I first 
told her that Leon might pass on soon. <3

                                     

Love forever, little Leon!

To my mom

You had me when you were a child. 18! Wow. I couldn't have even kept a plant alive at 18. What a crazy thing to do at that age. Birth and raise a child...

                                   
                                       


I know you didn't plan to be a mom or to get married this young. But you did. And you tried to make it all work. In your first apartment that didn't even have a bathroom. I know you tried so hard. I know it wasn't easy. But you never gave up! Because I know that you loved being a mom. I know you loved me so much. Even when your marriage got more difficult and over shadowed everything else.

                                           
                                    
                                         


I know you always loved me. And I loved you. You were always the most beautiful human being I had ever met. I was always amazed at your strength, grace and endurance.

We went through a lot together. Times were tough. We weren't always friends back then. That's why I am so grateful for leaving home to find my best friend in you! My soul sister! Time made us stronger and now you are the mom you always wanted to be. The BEST mom. A kind, silly, generous, happy mom. And an even better grandma. We are so lucky to have you!! We love you with all our hearts.

                                              
                                              

                                                   Happy Mother's Day to the best of them!!!!

                                                                   In Liebe, Dein Kind

Rabenmutter

You know what sucks? Mami guilt! Feeling like a Rabenmutter. Yes, Germans call bad mothers "raven mother". Here's a link to explain why:
http://www.dw.com/en/rabenmutter/a-6616009

Mami guilt doesn't have to explained, if you're a mother you know the feeling. No matter if you are a working mom with a career outside of the house, a stay home mom, live in a mansion or in a tiny apartment. I guarantee if you care at all about your kids you have felt it. If you are not a mom: Mom guilt is the feeling that no matter what you do, you can never be the mother your children deserve. You feel like you are not doing enough. Ever. Even if everyone else tells you that you are the best mother in the world, you will still find something to beat yourself up about. Here come some crazy reasons why I have felt major guilt before:

- not delaying umbilical cord clipping right after birth
- not eating enough protein in my pregnancies (yes, I still feel guilty about these 2 things now...)
- the sleep training we did with Frida and not having a family bed
- not playing with your kids nonstop
- having kids watch tv
- not buying exclusively organic food
- the kids not having enough friends because they are not in preschool
- not going on amazing trips every day, especially on weekends
- not living close to our families
- not having a house with backyard
- living in a crazy place like NYC
- being tired
- Willa screaming so much as a baby (must be my fault, right?)
- not "teaching" Frida preschool stuff every day
- being too strict
- not being strict enough
- not having a dog
- not having tons of money for all those music, art, movement classes
- kids getting hurt on my watch
- our seasonal tree still having snow on it. Rabenmutter can't even keep up with the seasons.


The list is endless. There are gazillions of these dumb reasons.


You know what also sucks? Not being supported when you whine about these unreasonable guilt trips to other mama friends. Supporting each other is SO important! Being a parent is hard. Emotionally. You need all the mental support you can get! I can't speak for everyone, but if I ever tell you about all these worries what I really need to hear back is that
a) I am insane.
b) I am not insane. (Yeah...)
c) You feel mami guilt, too.

Support. Solidarity. Our friendship should be a judgement free, safe zone.

Would love to hear feedback. What do you guilt trip yourself about? Do daddies know this feeling? COMMENT AWAY, please :)

Just some random thoughts on writing

I used to love to write.

I wrote journals since I can remember. I just found some on our last Germany visit. Hilarious little childhood memories. Embarrassing. I saved some, threw some out. Brought the best one from 5th grade back to NY with me. So cute. Also embarrassing, but god, I was 12.
I have one journal from my late teenage years that I bring wherever I move, it means a lot to me. It just perfectly and rawly (is that even a word?) reflects the person I used to be, didn't want to be and left behind and evolved from. I love reading it once in a while. Just to appreciate how far I have come. Now that I think of it: I should do a blog post about the letter to my teenage self I wish I could have sent myself. What would you tell your teenage self? I know exactly what I would write.

I also wrote poetry back then. Depressing, raw, open and real poetry. In ENGLISH! It was always easier to express myself in this beautiful language. I have two books full of poetry. It isn't always easy to read as I wasn't the happiest teenager. But still a nice thing to have.

So yes, I used to love to write. For myself. I even thought about journalism school! But I didn't go with that, instead chose to go to school to become a teacher. University happened. And I was forced to write. About things I should have cared about because I chose to study it, but didn't. I wasn't interested. I hated most of my classes and writing became a drag. I wasn't good at it either (d'uh). How annoying!! School really kind of destroyed something there. I didn't even journal anymore!

So when I had the idea to start a blog like this, about random thoughts on stuff, I got excited and now I feel like I want to keep going. This is fun! I really love that the blog had a lot of hits in its first couple of days! That means some of you are actually reading it! And even if no one reads it it's okay, I need this. I haven't had hobbies in a while. I have 2 small children :). Who has time for that? But this I can make time for. Go me!

Oh, and also: I appreciate comments, guys!! <3
Enjoy your day.

A post about my ancient cat Leon

I got our cat Leon from the shelter in 2001 when I lived in Muenster. He was 3 years old then, already back at the shelter 3 times after people decided they couldn't keep him. Assholes. But lucky me! I had decided I needed a cat in my life again because I was feeling depressed. And I knew that cats could help. So My mom visited and we went to the shelter. We were brought into a room to look at some cats when beautiful, gigantic, green eyed Leon slowly walked towards me. What a cat!

It was love at first sight. For both of us, I think. 

Leon was 11 years old when we moved him to NYC with us. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. He was stored in a crate with the luggage etc and I cried for about 10 hours straight until we arrived in NYC and got him back in one piece. He did great, that poor thing. 

He was just as excited as we impatiently awaited the births of our babies. 

                                                      

And he became a great first pet for both of them.

Now our ancient little Leon is 18 years old and it has gone a bit downhill for him. I was prepared to say good bye many, many times in the past 2 years, convinced 2015 was his last year with us. He has lost a lot of weight even though he eats constantly. He poops and pees all over the apartment, has stopped cleaning parts of his body and seemingly lost his hearing. I would not keep him alive if he was suffering so I was watching him closely. And I thought this week that it was time. I got all the information about euthanization and cremation options I needed, figured out a babysitter for the kids, cried a lot, talked it over with Bill and came to the conclusion that Leon would have to be put down very soon. It just seemed like he didn't enjoy life anymore, that he just existed. 

We gave Leon some extra attention over the next couple of days, "forced" him to snuggle with us and made him sit with us etc (he would just hide most of the time) and I KID YOU NOT: Leon started cleaning himself, appeared to hear me when I was calling him and voluntarily came to hang out and get pet! WHAAAT?! So we will see what happens with our ancient baby, but it seems that he might stick around for a bit longer. Bless his tiny heart.

There you go. A post about my cat. 

UPDATE: 

Rest in Peace, my dearest friend. Leon passed away this morning. We will forever miss him with all our hearts. 

The zoo and me

I have always loved animals. All of them. Big or small. Just LOVED them. I could never bring myself to enjoy eating meat, was ordering my cheese burgers without meat even as a kid, and finally became a vegetarian when I was 16. It was the most natural thing to do for me. No struggles. I loved animals too much to eat them.

So not enjoying zoos kind of also happened naturally. I have never understood why it was necessary to cage animals so people could gape at them. That's what nature documentaries were made for. D'uh. Seeing the animals I loved caged in and looking as depressed as I felt was the worst thing for me. It almost caused physical pain. And don't get me started on the circus.
I vividly remember a day at Hagenbeck's Tierpark in Hamburg. This zoo was said to be a progressive zoo that treated their animal great in environments appropriate for each species. So I went. And was immediately traumatized by watching a large wild cat pacing around her way too small CAGE. No outside compound. Nothing. Just a frickin' cage! All I wanted to do is break the cage bars and free this gorgeous creature from all the pain reflected in its sad eyes. I remember crying that day. I remember crying days after; just thinking about this experience made me bawl. (I should probably mention that I am hyper sensitive and not just a complete lunatic :P .)

Then a while later I heard about "the dolphin incident" at said zoo's dolphinarium (which I refused to go see the day I visited): A group of dolphins drowned a baby dolphin. In my mind they drowned him to save him from a miserable life in captivity. Enough said. That was it for me. No zoos in my future. I still went to the occasional petting zoo because goats.

But no major zoos with lions, tigers and elephants.

I still felt strongly about this when I had kids myself. I did not accompany my first child to her first zoo trip. After all: I had principles!

Until I broke down and went to the Bronx Zoo for the first time. I went on a Wednesday when entrance was free because I still don't want to support a zoo for stealing animals of their freedom. We saw the sea lions which were hilarious, my kids had a blast watching them. Yes. A lot has changed since I was a kid. Zoos have improved. Animals have space, are treated much better and a lot of times species-appropriately.  But then we came to the Birds of Prey area. They saw eagles and other ginormous, gorgeous, wild birds caged in. I couldn't bring myself to look at them and their depressing existence and sat in a shady spot until my family was done. Thinking: "My kids are sensitive like me. They will figure this all out for themselves. Until then I can not deprive them of these experiences if I want to be good mother. Until then I will have someone stronger than me (their dad) guide them through these life moments that I am too weak and emotional to handle."

Then we went again. Again on a Wednesday. This time we saw lions. Young lions. Born in captivity. Still wrong, BUT at least they never knew life any other way. They had a nice compound to live in. They looked content (As far as I can judge lion's facial expressions). My kids went CRAZY when they saw them!! It made my heart explode. Then we came to the baby giraffes. And this time my heart exploded because they were SO AMAZING!! Such majestic animals, close up, with skin much too large for their small bodies. I felt like crying, but this time not because I was sad for them. I was actually happy to be able to witness these gorgeous creatures right there in front of me. They had space, food, other smaller animals run around with them and it did not look like utter torture for them to live in this zoo. And my kids were so happy. I was so grateful for this experience.

I still have principles. I am not sure I could look at imprisoned elephants. The last experience was a positive one. I feel that they mostly did great at creating species-appropriate compounds for their animals. But I will not support a place that cages especially birds in homes much too small and not appropriate for their needs. If I go back to this zoo I will still not pay to get in.

So that's that. My thoughts on the Zoo.