8 years ago today we had the most magical wedding.

It was perfect! It was so "us". So Billantje. A wonderful day filled with family, friends, beer, delicious food, music, dancing, silliness (lots of that), laughter and good times. It was probably the silliest, most unusual wedding ever, especially by american standards. It did not cost a million dollars. I did not wear a white dress. It did not happen in a church. We did not invite thousands of people we hardly knew. We actually didn't "invite" anyone. We let people know when our wedding was going to be and people showed up. People who wanted to be there. Some lived close by, some far away. Some even flew in from other countries! Magical! 

The morning of the wedding my mom and I went to the weekly market to pick out my wedding bouquet. I picked out a bunch of wild flowers my grandfather would have loved to have him with me on my special day.

I got ready with my mom and my grandma in our apartment in Muenster while Bill got ready downstairs with some of our friends. The boys left before us and when we were ready to go meet them at city hall my mom surprised me with a bunch of red heart balloons to carry with me. LOVE was in the air :) It drizzled a bit but rain on your wedding day is considered good luck so no one cared. It was so exciting approaching the Standesamt and Bill waiting there for me all handsome in his grey tuxedo. I had not seen his outfit, nor had he seen mine, but my dress was grey and we matched! #magical My stepfather gave me away and we were ready to go get married!

The 3 musketeers together again <3 

Wild and free. Right before. 

                                         

The woman who married us read Khalil Gibran's "On Marriage" from the Prophet, a book I adore. We had no idea she would read this! #magical 

      You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. 
      You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.  
      Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.  
      But let there be spaces in your togetherness,  
      And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.  
      Love one another but make not a bond of love:  
      Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.  
      Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.  
      Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.  
      Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,  
      Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 
      Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. 
      For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.  
      And stand together, yet not too near together:  
      For the pillars of the temple stand apart,  
      And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Then we were married, exchanged the rings we had bought at the Stadtfest a month before, celebrated with champagne and let go our balloons outside. 

Mr and Mrs Salisbury!

With my lovely family

                                         

We gathered our family and closest friends and took them to our favorite restaurant where our friend and master chef Micu had prepared the most amazing turkish buffet for us. We laughed and feasted for several hours and then moved the party to our apartment. We changed into normal clothes, danced, ordered pizza, drank wine. Welcomed more friends. Had a blast. 

I had people tell me that this was the "funnest" wedding they had ever attended. That made me so happy because that's exactly what we wanted. A magical day. I am still grateful for everyone who came and made it so special. 

Luzys. Big Hot Love. 

Germans.

I have no idea what happened here. 

                                                                                   

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband! Our life together gets better every year and I'm looking forward to the next 88.

Thanks for reading :) 

Much Love,

me

Words to live by

                        

Facebook just reminded me that I posted this last year. I love this so much and try to follow it religiously. Emphasis on TRY. 

Dalai Lama’s 18 rules for living 

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: 
  1. Respect for self
  2. Respect for others
  3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Much Love,

me

Wish Them Well

Spirits turned bitter by the poison of envy
Always angry and dissatisfied
Even the lost ones, the frightened and mean ones
Even the ones with a devil inside

Thank your stars you’re not that way
Turn your back and walk away
Don’t even pause and ask them why
Turn around and say goodbye

People who judge without a measure of mercy
All the victims who will never learn
Even the lost ones, you can only give up on
Even the ones who make you burn

The ones who’ve done you wrong
The ones who pretended to be so strong
The grudges you’ve held for so long
It’s not worth singing that same sad song

Even though you’re going through hell
Just keep on going
Let the demons dwell

Just wish them well

- Rush. 

Kindness

                        



I think about being kind A LOT. Just today an author I like wrote a piece about the depressing state of the world and a stranger's random act of kindness that restored her faith in humanity. Being kind is so easy. It is important. It is free. A smile, a nice word, a gesture, a helping hand. Free!

Brandon from Humans of NY used to ask people: "If you could say one thing to a large group of people what would you say?" I would tell them to always be a little kinder than necessary (quote by Sir James Matthew Barrie). And this:

                                                      

Kindness can make someone's day just a little brighter when they really need it. So just be kind. I have been there. I've had bad days, dark, sad days. And I have met angels, strangers who brightened up my day by saying something nice and memorable. I have also had friends who did extremely nice things for me when I was in need and I will never forget that. This is what you remember. The kindnesses. They make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. I want to be remembered as someone who made people feel like that, too. So I try my hardest to be kind. To teach my kids how to treat our fellow humans.

So


                                                  
And
                                                      
Because

                                              .

Please and Thank you.
The End.

Grieving my beloved pet

Our beloved Leon passed away on Saturday...

As mentioned in a previous post, he was very old and we felt that his time had come. He did not enjoy what was left of his life anymore. Slowly lost his his bodily functions and with that his dignity. He used to be that cat with "Waschzwang", cleaning himself until his belly was pink and raw. He was the cleanest, best smelling cat ever. Now he didn't clean most parts of his body anymore and smelled. It was so heart breaking to watch. I often cleaned him, but he wasn't a huge fan of that. He was disoriented, often lost his balance and fell over with the cat toilet one night. We couldn't sit by and watch our proud cat become less and less. So we made the appointment to put him down. It was horrible, the worst thing I ever went through, but necessary.

Leon's last pictures.

Willa saying good bye to her beloved pet. 

We did this as a family unit, it was important to us that the kids came to say good bye. We had talked about it so they were prepared that we would not be able to take Leon back home with us. They knew that Leon would go to "cat heaven" from the vet's office and that he would be young and happy again there. They kissed him good bye and then it was just Leon and me. It ended just the way that our journey began. Leon and Antje... I pet and kissed him when he received his shots and he went very calmly and peacefully. And just like that he was gone. Free. And I felt such pain, but also peace because I knew that he was in a better place now.

It was a tough day to get through and a tearful night. Thank God for Tequila. Then this sensational sunset happened:

                           



It must be hard to grasp how much love you can have for a creature if you are not a pet owner. I spent 15 years of my life with this cat. He was my best friend, was always there to snuggle. I miss him!! I miss my young, proud Leon so much! I see him everywhere, always expect him to lie somewhere, still hear him.

Frida drew Leon and told me to write this when I first 
told her that Leon might pass on soon. <3

                                     

Love forever, little Leon!

To my mom

You had me when you were a child. 18! Wow. I couldn't have even kept a plant alive at 18. What a crazy thing to do at that age. Birth and raise a child...

                                   
                                       


I know you didn't plan to be a mom or to get married this young. But you did. And you tried to make it all work. In your first apartment that didn't even have a bathroom. I know you tried so hard. I know it wasn't easy. But you never gave up! Because I know that you loved being a mom. I know you loved me so much. Even when your marriage got more difficult and over shadowed everything else.

                                           
                                    
                                         


I know you always loved me. And I loved you. You were always the most beautiful human being I had ever met. I was always amazed at your strength, grace and endurance.

We went through a lot together. Times were tough. We weren't always friends back then. That's why I am so grateful for leaving home to find my best friend in you! My soul sister! Time made us stronger and now you are the mom you always wanted to be. The BEST mom. A kind, silly, generous, happy mom. And an even better grandma. We are so lucky to have you!! We love you with all our hearts.

                                              
                                              

                                                   Happy Mother's Day to the best of them!!!!

                                                                   In Liebe, Dein Kind

Rabenmutter

You know what sucks? Mami guilt! Feeling like a Rabenmutter. Yes, Germans call bad mothers "raven mother". Here's a link to explain why:
http://www.dw.com/en/rabenmutter/a-6616009

Mami guilt doesn't have to explained, if you're a mother you know the feeling. No matter if you are a working mom with a career outside of the house, a stay home mom, live in a mansion or in a tiny apartment. I guarantee if you care at all about your kids you have felt it. If you are not a mom: Mom guilt is the feeling that no matter what you do, you can never be the mother your children deserve. You feel like you are not doing enough. Ever. Even if everyone else tells you that you are the best mother in the world, you will still find something to beat yourself up about. Here come some crazy reasons why I have felt major guilt before:

- not delaying umbilical cord clipping right after birth
- not eating enough protein in my pregnancies (yes, I still feel guilty about these 2 things now...)
- the sleep training we did with Frida and not having a family bed
- not playing with your kids nonstop
- having kids watch tv
- not buying exclusively organic food
- the kids not having enough friends because they are not in preschool
- not going on amazing trips every day, especially on weekends
- not living close to our families
- not having a house with backyard
- living in a crazy place like NYC
- being tired
- Willa screaming so much as a baby (must be my fault, right?)
- not "teaching" Frida preschool stuff every day
- being too strict
- not being strict enough
- not having a dog
- not having tons of money for all those music, art, movement classes
- kids getting hurt on my watch
- our seasonal tree still having snow on it. Rabenmutter can't even keep up with the seasons.


The list is endless. There are gazillions of these dumb reasons.


You know what also sucks? Not being supported when you whine about these unreasonable guilt trips to other mama friends. Supporting each other is SO important! Being a parent is hard. Emotionally. You need all the mental support you can get! I can't speak for everyone, but if I ever tell you about all these worries what I really need to hear back is that
a) I am insane.
b) I am not insane. (Yeah...)
c) You feel mami guilt, too.

Support. Solidarity. Our friendship should be a judgement free, safe zone.

Would love to hear feedback. What do you guilt trip yourself about? Do daddies know this feeling? COMMENT AWAY, please :)